God and I are in a healthy relationship—finally.

thecosmictarotstud
6 days ago
3 min read

Sounds like such a strange sentence, but that’s exactly how I feel.

As a child, I prayed but probably never realized the connection. It was innocent. It was pure. I didn’t spend time thinking about it—I just did what was guided to me by the adults around and what felt right.

Then I grew up and realized—oh wow, God is someone who can do so much for you. And at times, I didn’t even want to do much myself, like praying or accepting. The concept of what “cool” is was a little lost on me, and admitting you were religious or spiritual didn’t seem cool enough. Still, I did what I could in my best capacity—looking at Him as someone I love, but also as someone who will provide.

Then came adulthood. Things didn’t go as planned—a few heartbreaks here and there—and I still prayed and still loved Him.

But then came a point where blaming felt easier than accountability.

Legend says God helps those who help themselves, but all I wanted was for God to help me without much effort from my side. I wanted Him to do things for me because I felt I was worthy—but honestly, that was my ego talking.

Every bad thing that happened, I blamed Him. Why do you do this? You don’t like me. You don’t want me to be happy.

But at the same time, I found refuge in Him. It felt like I had someone of my own—my person.

But boy oh boy, was I the toxic one—ungrateful, angry, and convinced that the world had done me injustice.

Slowly, I started seeing a few miracles here and there—some blessings, things going the way I wanted. It made me feel, wow, I can achieve anything I want.

I was grateful at this point, but I also felt like I was in power again. My friend, Ego showed up once again.

But I always loved Him. I always wanted to surrender. I wanted to build a relationship that was unconditional—on both ends. It was always from him, but not always through me. I would love Him when He did something but get angry the next moment when things didnt go as planned. That isn’t fair, is it?

I never truly saw how much He protected me, how much He loved me, or how much He truly, truly wanted the best for me. I was so consumed in my own head that I couldn't see anything He was trying to show me.

So He had to break it all.

Take away all the illusions.

Take away my ego.

Break me in a way that I have no option but to surrender—no option but to hold onto Him.

In one of the most difficult phases of my life, I couldn’t see a choice to not surrender.

But strangely, after all the meltdowns, anger, and complaining—all the yap sessions with my beloved spiritual team—I stopped. I asked myself, if I truly believe that I’ll achieve everything one day, wouldn’t it be selfish if I only talk to God during the good times?

The questions kept pouring in. The realizations kept coming.

I saw how much I had taken everything for granted.

He had always given me choices, but I couldn’t see them.

So this time, I said to myself, "We will keep going."

Every single day, you show up for your God the way He has shown up for you. Even when things are hard, you show up. You talk to Him. You share. You cry. You get angry. But you show up.